Oh Fr-r-r-r-r-r-r-rankly, Imma scared!
Of many things in fact. Many, many (admittedly irrational) things. I’ve heard that exposing your fears to the cold light of day shrinks them down to manageable size or makes them disappear so at the risk of exposing myself as *that* crazy person, I’m going to list them here. Yes, right here. I’m going to yank them out of their dank, festering box, push them into the harsh artificial light of the interwebs and shout Riddikulus at them.
Ahem, let me begin, in no particular order…
1. When I stand at the stove cooking deep fried delicious goodies, I start to imagine what would happen if I tripped and fell face first into the oil and I get paranoid about other people being in the kitchen cos you know, I’m pretty laid back generally but if you knocked me face-first into a deepfrier, I’d probably get pretty angry, I might even shout at you a little (once I’d finished writhing, and screaming myself hoarse ofcourse). (The first season of Spooks may have cemented this in my mind as a hideous fate)
2. When driving, I occasionally have the misfortune of driving behind tray-top utes and I’m super careful about braking well and truly in time. Why? Because I have a fear of driving into the back of a ute and the tray coming through the windscreen and squishing my head into the seat. That would really be unfortunate. Really, really unfortunate because I’m fond of my rather large nose and its shape would be positively ruined.
3. Julie Bishop. (that doesn’t require any further explanation does it? I mean, is she human/animal/mineral/vegetable/alien? Why does she have such terrible, dead eyes? whhhhy?)
4. Large dogs. (I’m ashamed. It’s so cliched isn’t it? Ah well) I was chased by a large dog when I was a small child and all I remember is the sound of it’s panty growly breath on the back of my neck (yes, it was hard to hear over my deranged screams and pounding little feet, but I *definitely* heard it). Everyone told me to stop running because it only wanted to play. Yeaaaaah right, I’m no idiot! Like I’d believe that!
5. Men with hairy shoulders. You know what I’m talking about don’t you? Men with so much hair on their shoulders that their shirt sits a couple of centimetres above their skin. Ok, this might be more revulsion than fear, but it’s a fine line. A very fine line.
6. And you know what definitely tips it over the line? Having hairy hands to match the hairy shoulders. *brrrrrr*
7. I’m afraid of the persistent, heavy breathing homicidal maniac who lurks outside my window making torturous growling noises late into the night. (ok, it’s just a possum, but it doesn’t sound like that at midnight when I’m home alone)
8. Sometimes, I wonder why I have such a guilty conscience, but I’m definitely afraid of police officers, or at least, I’m afraid that they’re going to think I’m guilty of some nefarious crime, pull me over and do police things to me. (which, now that I think it, doesn’t sound so bad actually. bwahahaha!)
9. I’m afraid of flocks of cockatoos. Have you seen the size of their beaks? Imagine if the zombie apocalypse struck and turned them into carnivores. We’d be torn apart! TORN APART I tell you!
10. Lastly, I’m afraid of looking like a fool. So don’t tell anybody about this list ok? Or at least, don’t tell them it’s me. Or, (this might work) don’t think I’m a fool, yeah, that’d work!
*Ok I might be a leetle crazy. But I’m friendly. And I don’t bite. Much.